I’ve been feeling an inward pull lately.
It feels like I’m suppose to be doing something but I can’t put my finger on it. Usually when I experience space like this I get a new book or start a new project. It’s a cycle. Chaos with lots to do. Remove things from my plate. Feel open space – immediately pile things back on. Chaos with lots to do. Remove things… Yeah, it’s a vicious cycle.
Right now, I’m in the Open Space zone.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been practicing listening to myself and this time I’m not feeling the need to fill that open space with a new book and someone else’s words. I’m not feeling the need for a new project and new materials. Right now, I feel the need to look inward.
It really does feel like a pull. It’s a gentle, inward tug right at the heart.
It’s new territory but I think I need to feel my body and allow this space to exist. So often I block out an open area because it’s uncomfortable. Like it shouldn’t be there. Like I should be doing something. And so I stamp out the silence by filling it with something to do.
There is always a flux in what I have going on.
This is partly due to being a Renaissance Soul, a Scanner, and a Wholehearted Artist. We shift. We move. We adapt. We get giddy over the shiny new topics, projects, and books to read. Very rarely is there open space. Usually, that serves me just fine. I love change. I love flowing in and out of tasks. And I can hold a conversation with just about anyone because of it. I know a little bit about a lot of stuff. It’s a blessing and a burden. But that’s for another day.
Yesterday, I stopped in my “toy store” (Barnes and Nobles).
I walked the aisles for over an hour. Searching. Looking for something that didn’t have a name. I checked all my favorite sections: business/finance, health/fitness, psychology/self-help, arts/crafts. Nothing leaped off the shelves when most days – within minutes – I have an armful of books begging me to take them home.
Instead, I found myself asking, “why don’t you want this book?”
All the signs were there. It was in the right section, the cover was beautiful, the reviews were good, and even the writing style seemed to jive with my taste. This happened a few times over different books until I realized I wasn’t feeling it.
And I didn’t even want to be there.
I enjoyed the quietness of the store but something about being there was going against my grain. I felt awkward in my wandering. My insides felt quiet. Like I needed to sit in an empty room and just exist.
Maybe this is why I’ve been so drawn to yoga lately.
Allowing open space to happen is usually uncomfortable for me but right now, I’m feeling the need to sit with my quiet. Listen to myself and see what happens.
Photo credit: My husband. Sent via text.